Good Grammar and Spelling Skills
by Jay Dubya 
Being a former English teacher has its advantages. I can use my grammar, spelling, punctuation and logic skills to instantly detect Internet scams. Con artists on the net are so intent and thorough in organizing their devious plans that they overlook simple communication rules. Honest business people understand that impeccable English is always necessary to make a good first impression; scamsters haven't yet mastered middle school level language arts.
Here are a few examples to illustrate exactly what I mean. Several weeks ago I received an "Urgent Confedential Request" from one Andrew Chidi, whose name appeared as Anyanwu Agu on his e-mail address. I immediately became suspicious when someone with a great name such as Andrew Chidi would masquerade with an e-mail name Anyanwu Agu. Besides not knowing how to spell "confidential," the e-mail solicitor stated that he was the Director of the Foreign Remittance Department of Du Banque Lome-Togo of West Africa.
I know for a fact that anyone who knows how to spell "Remittance" should easily know "confidential." I automatically reckoned that a definite problem existed when Andrew Chidi's heading had the false spelling "Audeting and Accoting Unit." Any imbecile with a dollar paperback dictionary could easily research the words "Auditing and Accounting." Furthermore, good old Andrew found out about John Wiessner "as a relaible person" by reading about me in a "West African Chamber of Commerce Business Directory."
Now if that were the Harry Potter Chamber of Secrets' Business Directory, I would have placed more credence in Andrew Chidi's awkward letter of introduction. The Banque Lome-Togo sounded more like the Bank of Money To Go (from MY pocket).
Andrew's letter had a fairly interesting "hook." He indicated that an unfortunate American businessman had died in a November 1997 plane crash in Africa, leaving the sum of 14 million dollars in an African Bank Account at the Banque Lome-Togo. 'What a fantastic coincidence!' I thought. 'The plane crashed in the same African country where the American entrepreneur's huge bank account existed!' The poor deceased American had no relatives, since according to Andrew Chidi, no one has claimed the fourteen million-dollar-bonanza that was just sitting there in the Banque Lome-Togo.
According to my new friend Andrew, all I had to do was send him an affidavit asserting that I was the plane victim's nearest next of kin. Presto-chango! My new African banking pal would then transfer the fourteen million to my Hammonton bank account. In a half a year's time, Andrew and his "partners" would show up in town and claim 70% of the windfall, leaving me with a handsome commission of 4.2 million bananas.
Andrew signed his letter Best Regard. Now really intelligent fraud masters know that the second word in a letter's closing is never capitalized and that the correct nomenclature should have been "Best regards." I mean Andy, don't insult my limited intelligence! First you want me to commit fraud by pretending to be this dead man's closest relative. Then you desire for me to commit international conspiracy. I know that I am stupid, but I am infuriated to feel that you think that I AM ignorant enough to fall for your e-mail caper. Any dunce knows that any bank deposit into my account over ten thousand dollars would be investigated by the IRS. Certainly a mere fourteen million would never escape the IRS's intense scrutiny!
A week later I received via e-mail an "Urgent Business Invitation" from one Tanko Bamiayi, who maintained that he had obtained my e-mail from an Internet Business Directory. Tanko introduced himself as the eldest son and heir to African Retired General Ishaya Bamaiyi (different last name spelling), who had been the Defence Army Chief in the late Sani Abacha's regime. Now I became wary of the spelling of the word DEFENCE, but the British spell it that way, so I needed more grammatical evidence. Also, I had four questions nagging my conscience. Who in tar' nation was Sani Abacha, and how did he die? Did Tanko and his father assassinate Sani Abacha? Why does Tanko spell his last name differently than his father?
Tanko explained in his letter that 46 million dollars would be transferred to my bank account from profits that had been skimmed from African Arms and Ammunition acquisitions. I could get to keep 20%, a cool 9.2 million. 'Who needs Andi Chidi's meager 4.2 million when I could reap 9.2 million from Tanko and his pop!' I jokingly thought. If I go for both deals, I could accumulate a remarkable 13.4 million and be able to afford the legal services of Johnny Cochoran when prosecuted by the IRS, the CIA and the FBI. If lucky, I might even be able to have O.J. testify in my behalf
A red flag went up when Tanko wrote, "Believe me, there is no one else my father and I can trust." Give me a break, will you! Out of six billion humans on the face of the earth, Tanko and his dad could only trust me, a perfect stranger. And if I became an instant criminal by joining their international conspiracy, I could be safely assured by the maxim "There is no trust among and between criminals."
My grammar and spelling theory about fraud was finally proven in the letter's last paragraph. "You have nothing to loose." On the contrary Mr. Bamiayi, I have a pair of Bermuda shorts that are too loose! And the letter also stated that the money would be dully paid. I think Tanko meant duly paid. Mr. Bamiayi, I resent your attempt to capitalize on greed.
Scam artists are a definite downside to people doing legitimate business on the Internet. I believe that Andrew Chidi and Tanko wanted to each offer me a whale while trying to steal a trout. "Holy mackerel!" I exclaimed without ever having seen a fish in church. They want my bank account number to use counterfeit bank' checks to withdraw my hard-earned money.
I reported the scams to the FBI in Newark. I haven't heard from the Bureau. They're probably too busy now with terrorists and with anthrax threats to deal with international white-collar criminals.
Yesterday I received an e-mail from Ibrahim Gwandu of Nigeria stating that...
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, (Jay Dubya)
Copyright-The Hammonton (New Jersey) Gazette
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